Thanksgiving Day is a chance for us all to get together with our families. It’s a time for transcendence, a day where we must demand ourselves to be thankful and tamp down our motives for physical assault. That’s right! It’s Thanksgiving!!!
Today’s post is about survival. Plain and simple.
And since Thanksgiving is a day we stuff ourselves into a pair of pants, stuff ourselves into a tiny room with fifty people, and stuff our mouths with food that will try the very durability of said pants, I have decided to give you a survival guide for the day of. Advice, if you will, that will help steer you away from handcuffs and into that much needed comatose state.
Survival Tip #1
Tryptophan is a myth, people. Don’t rely on it. It will not subdue your urge to punch Uncle Stu in the mouth for his ‘comment’ about how big your butt has been getting lately. In fact, you’d have to eat, like, five thousand pounds of the stuff in order to get any kind of effect from the drug. You’d die of gluttony…wait a minute, suddenly eternal rest doesn’t seem like such a bad option, now, does it? Also, it sort of proves Uncle Stu’s point if you did that anyway and survived.
To give the impression that you like grossly unfair insults, try wearing a heavy skirt that day, or if you’re a guy, a kilt? Yes, say that you’re getting down to your ‘roots’ or that you possibly have an affinity for all things Scottish. This will hide any unsightly cellulite you’ve been collecting since last year’s fiasco. Next, stock up on carbohydrates. Nothing appeases frayed nerves like pie, mashed potatoes, turkey, and yams. I find it easier to endure politically charged ‘rants’ from ‘the uncle who stores thousands of pounds of ammunition for the coming apocalypse’ that way, too. It’s a win-win. Well, except for your butt, but, hey, there are necessary casualties in war, my friends.
Survival Tip #2
Revert to the kids’ table. The conversation is not only more stimulating but all bodily function restrictions are banned. In fact, the function itself is encouraged. It will be your night’s entertainment, the sole topic for discussion, and you will leave the table feeling younger and refreshed…well, maybe not refreshed, that was a bad choice of words, but you’ll certainly leave feeling younger.
Survival Tip #3
Become the lackey! “Ah! We’re out of garlic! We need more ice! What happened to the jello mold?! Are pies supposed to deflate!?” Boom, baby! You’re in! Suddenly you’re the nicest guy there and you get to escape! Albeit, for short periods of time, but escape nonetheless. Also, dilly-dallying is not encouraged. That Star Magazine may look interesting but you must forego the urge to read about Kim Kardashian’s fifth wedding to a sailor from Bucharest because goofing off is not tolerated. Don’t be stingy. Take the time you’re given and relish in it, however short it may be.
Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the liabilities. These outings can turn on you in an instant, people. Twelve year old cousins named Brad may suddenly need Bubble Chew and it’s only something he can pick up for himself, therefore requiring you to endure a pre-teen passenger.
Also, there is the slight possibility that you will run into an ex at the store. No, not the ex you still occasionally talk to and laugh with, the ex who hates your guts and wishes to run you over with their car. Pyscho Ex-Sitings exponentially increase on holidays because your luck is at an all time low. Consider yourself counseled but, by all means, know that being the toady can still have its rewards.
Survival Tip #4
So you’ve tried the aforementioned tips and it’s just not working. You need to escape! Now, brace yourself because what I’m about to suggest is slightly frightening, but hear me out, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Feign a sudden and acute case of Montezuma’s Revenge. I know, I know, that’s disgusting, Fisher…but is it worth it? Yes. Why? Because nobody in their right mind would own that illness unless they really, really had it, right? Also, no one ever questions you, pokes, prods, or suggests remedies. It’s fail proof. Be warned though, this should only be used in the most dire of circumstances and no more than once annually. Repeat offenses will not only create suspicion but also a possible trip to a gastroenterologist with your mom in tow, calling your bluff. So use it with care…not that I am speaking from experience or anything.
And with that, you have a guide for enduring Thanksgiving.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble!
p.s. This guide can be applicable to most holiday occasions. It’s tried and true.