Dear Miss Meddlesome,
I got a dog and people are being really judgmental about it because she’s not from a shelter. I have allergies and had to choose a specific type of dog. I looked for one to adopt and couldn’t find one. I do feel guilty, and their hateful comments make me feel even worse. How do I tell people to mind their own business so I can enjoy my new pal?
–Stop Judging Me *sneezes*
Dear Murderer of All That is Holy and Pure,
I think it’s time you came to terms with the fact that everyone around you must have a say in every aspect of your life. I mean, really, it’s a little ridiculous you haven’t understood and adopted this concept yet. You, who adopt so carelessly.
First, I think you need to send handwritten apologies to every single person on your friend’s list, begging for their forgiveness. If social media has taught us anything, it’s that we have a responsibility to account for and publish every action we take. When someone demands you tell them personal aspects of your life, then you must divulge them, then endure their bitter scrutiny of every minute detail of every single thing you do. After all, though you searched for a compatible adoptable dog, you didn’t actually adopt one that has the potential to blow your face up to the size of a watermelon and this is wrong according to the well-informed, sanctimonious, and virtuous members of Facebook. These people are perfect and you must be subject to their inspection.
You need to return this dog now. Allergies be damned! Who cares what will happen to it now. Then, go to the shelter and get a dog that isn’t compatible with you. As we know, shelter dogs don’t deserve owners who can properly take care of them. So what if you won’t be able to pet it, sit with it, stand near it, share a room with it. Dogs aren’t beneficial companions and don’t deserve genuine affection. Your dog is there to represent you! Brand! Brand! Brand!
If you can’t say, “My dog is from such-and-such shelter, which means I am so socially conscious you should build a freaking statue in my honor!” then you aren’t a real person.
In the immortal words of the incredibly talented Black Eyed Peas, Packaged up with incense sticks. With them vegetarian meals. To you, that’s righteous.
And it is. So, take a selfie with the new shelter dog- oh, wait, you can’t, can you? Well, just Photoshop a duck-lips selfie with your new dog and post it for the world to see because that world has a right see. Remember that. You must keep up appearances.
You’re Abe Froman? The Sausage King of Chicago?,
Dear Miss Meddlesome,
I pooped myself at work at my desk and had no idea what to do because there were people around everywhere. It clicked in my head finally that my only option was to get up and run as fast as I could to the exit of the building. I work on the 5th floor which requires me take an elevator down. I got up as quickly as I could and ran past 10 to 15 desk and other co-workers on my way out. I’m not sure if anything was left behind. I unfortunately was wearing a thong and a skirt this day. I had to wait for the elevator and my worst nightmare came true, 5 other people were on as the doors opened. I got in and kept my eyes to the ground. I’m sure they noticed the smell. What should I do?! This happened on a Friday and I don’t even know if I should return to work. Please help.
Dear Todd Packer,
I’ll be honest, when I first read this, I thought, this chick is full of crap.
So, it’s a shitty situation, no doubt. Let’s dump everything aside, though, and get down to the brown, so to speak.
I believe you did the right thing by running away from your problem. I’m a big proponent of running away from your problems. There isn’t a better way to avoid responsibility, in my opinion, and since responsibility is the debil, it’s a win/win!
Let’s address how to handle returning to work. I’m confident that whatever trail was left, was more than likely looked over on the way out. And, I mean, let’s be honest, poop isn’t an overpowering smell or anything, so I doubt they even noticed. Besides, R.Kelly’s Ignition Remix is on a constant loop in their heads by this time. Except for that one guy Tom. Tom has R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet on loop in his head and, well, that explains a lot about Tom. Anyway, it’s the freakin’ weekend, baby! They’re about to have them some fun! Lumbergh’s having a barbecue and he serves up a mean burger. #JumptoConclusionsMat Basically, they were distracted, I’m sure of it.
So, on Monday, when you walk in, I would go for casual. Waltz in there in the morning like you hadn’t shat yourself, that runny excrement played no part in your day that Friday. More than likely your chair is gone and the carpet removed in a specific line that goes directly from your cubicle to the elevators, but it’s best to pretend that doesn’t exist. Play if off with a casual hum as you balance on that yoga ball you bought years ago but let sit underneath your desk instead, because you looked stupid balancing on it and it was hard not to fall backward.
When your co-workers ask what happened to you that Friday, say, “What? Huh? Oh, Carl, you’re crazy! What in the Sam Hill could you be talking about?” Then you run. Every time someone comes up to you, run. Eventually no one will wonder what happened anymore, but start to wonder if you’re insane or not. It’s better to appear insane, as opposed to someone who can’t hold their bowels.
Strike fear, not laughter, I always say.
It’s Rosy the nosy neighbor (A side of Pepto, if you get that),
Dear Miss Meddlesome,
The hubs and I are considering offering to take one of my sister-in-law’s children with us next year when we go to Walt Disney World on family vacation. She’s a single mother and cannot afford to take her children. The problem is, the SIL is an ungrateful a-hole and we can only afford to take one extra child. She has accused us in the past of playing favorites with her kids and caused a huge family kerfuffle that won’t be forgotten any time soon. We would want to take the 10-year-old with us because we feel it’s her last chance to enjoy the magic of Disney before she outgrows it. The 5-year-old will have other opportunities, I’m sure. Is there any way we can do this without it backfiring in our faces or should we just forget it?
Hoping to Avoid Disney Disaster
Dear Auntie Dearest,
Of course, you are most definitely in the right here. In no way is excluding the five year old the wrong thing to do. I feel like I can’t reiterate this enough. Your generosity should really be the main focus here as well and I’m shocked this mother has issues with your willingness to alienate one of her children. Back to your generosity, though, because this is the most important factor here. You’re magnanimous beyond belief. Your sister-in-law is indeed an asshole, if she dares to find fault with your logic. So what if her five year old will be stuck swimming in the local swimming hole while their sibling is gallivanting about Magic Kingdom, rubbing shoulders with Mickey Mouse. It’s not like you can afford to take both! You are in no way playing favorites. Why can’t she get this through her thick skull?
The solution is an easy one. Sit both the ten year old and the five year old down together and explain that you aren’t playing favorites, but you want to take one of them to Walt Disney World! When you reveal it’s the ten year old, after jumping up and down and screaming in excitement, turn to the five year old and say, “Maybe if your deadbeat mother wins the lottery, you’ll be able to go one day, but this year isn’t your year, kid.” End your proud speech with some cackling. I believe this will really send home how you’re not playing favorites, but, again, just trying to be generous. Explain to the five year old that it’s not that you don’t want to take them, but you can only afford one and your favorite, I mean, heh heh, the ten year old may not enjoy it as much if they went later, which should make perfect sense to the five year old. When they start crying, and that is, I think we can both agree, like, totally annoying, tell them they need to stop being so selfish already! Tell them to be rational. After all, offers for Disney World trips come around all the time and they need to stop their belly-aching!
When you really think about it, your blatant exclusion of the younger one is an important life lesson every child needs to learn and you can’t put a price on that. Leaving them both at home, blissfully unaware of your nefarious, I mean, generous plot, is absolutely not an option, either. Also, it’s not like you can get other family members to pitch in to pay for the five year old’s tickets and incidentals or anything. It’s better to leave the younger child at home with their shattered hopes. Disney World is for dreamers.
I commend you on your disaffection for the five year old. It’s not anyone who can callously toss aside a kindergartner for a trip to Disney that may or may not ever come. I mean, it’s their fault for having a mother who can’t afford to take them!
So take the ten year old to the greatest place on earth and maybe buy a little trinket for that other one.
Have a magical day!
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Disclaimer: Under no circumstances should you actually follow this crap advice. If you do, you’re an idiot.
When Miss Meddlesome isn’t meddling, she’s writing as Fisher Amelie…