Dear Miss Meddlesome – Volume 4

MissMeddlesome _Volume4Welcome to this week’s edition of Dear Miss Meddlesome! I hope you all had a fabulous and safe Fourth! Let’s get started!

Dear Miss Meddlesome,

Recently reconnected with a boy I had a crush on from 4th grade through most of my school years. Haven’t talked to this boy since we were 14! We started talking recently and there was a connection! Only thing is he has 3 kids, and works out of town a lot. I agreed to go out with him when he came back to town, only when he came back he never hit me up. This happened twice, and this last time he texted me, I texted back, and then poof! Nothing. He sees all my things on Instagram but I’m sure I’ve been ghosted! Should I hit him up to see what happened, or accept my state and move on??

Dear I Know I’m Not Just Building Up Someone From My Past,

Congratulations. You’ve found your soul mate. Though your last serious interaction with this boy was when you were just fourteen, it’s important to recognize that at that age, we’ve really come into ourselves as people, defined definitively who we’re really going to be, and know everything there is to know about ourselves. Your memories of this boy and your current expectations of him are perfectly sound.

I’m assuming from your submission that texting is your primary form of communication, so it makes sense you felt a ‘connection’, as you say. Many a deeply formed friendship has occurred over texting, and your case, I’m sure, is no different. There’s nothing more meaningful than stilted conversation full of emojis and acronyms. GIKHCAMBHSMAWSF! (Girl, I know he cares about me because he sent me a winking smiley face!)

Him: Yo
You: Hey, old classmate, whom I haven’t seen in fifteen years. How are you?
Him: Good. Good. Just busy.
You: It’s been awhile. You must be exactly the same.
Him: I’m exactly the same, yeah. I mean, I did get married and stuff, but my old lady was a drag so I was like, peace out, yo! lol I can’t be tied down to this! I’ve also got a couple of kids too. So in that way, I guess I’m different. Also, I’ve got a few priors, but, again, no big deal. Pleaded out, so I’m good. Still on probation, but I’m on the up and up. Oh! I also have this weird fetish that would put me in jail if anyone found the images, but other than that, I’m exactly the same.
You: Like, oh my gawd! You haven’t changed a bit! So funny! #Revertigo
Him: Yeah, you know me!
*Five hours later, 2 a.m.*
Him: What are you up to?
You: Watching a movie.
Him: Cool. We should really hang out soon.
You: Yeah, let’s go out! What are you doing tomorrow?
Him: Well, I’m headed out of town tomorrow so…
You: That sucks
Him: Yeah, I work out of town a lot and really just have late nights available. We can hang out tonight, if you want
You: I’m about to go to bed, but hit me up when you get back?
Him: *radio silence*

You totally have not been ghosted. A guy saying he’ll take you out once he returns from out of town, then doesn’t call you, doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t eventually call. I’m willing to bet when he’s exhausted all other options for fun and companionship, he’ll finally give you a ring! How exciting!

This is what you need to do. Text him over and over. Ask him why he didn’t call and what you could have done differently. Tell him you’ll let him copy your homework in Biology! Just please, please, please pay attention to you!

When he calls and I have no doubt he will, keep your schedule as open as possible. Make yourself as available as you can, foregoing legit meaningful relationships. I mean, you guys had an online/text connection! Meanwhile, to pass the time, shop wedding dresses online.

Good luck! So excited for you!

Submissiveness is key,
Miss Meddlesome

p.s. Don’t forget! Self worth has no place in modern society anymore.

Dear Miss Meddlesome,
I have 4 kids, but my mother in law treats only one as her favorite. With every birthday card, she will send her favorite some money on the side. She sends packages of gifts addressed only to her favorite. It breaks my heart when my boys (who aren’t her favorite) check the mail those days. She has 8 grandchildren. I wish her favorite was not one of mine. And so does her guilt-ridden favorite. I need advice on how to handle this.

Signed, The floor is lava

Dear Hater,

Throwing shade on granny, huh? Listen, everyone has their favorite, okay? It’s not a big deal. So what if your boys have to watch their sibling open gifts and receive cash, while they don’t even get a phone call from their beloved, sweet, benevolent grandmother. They need to understand that life isn’t fair and now is as good a time as any to learn that lesson.

Frankly, your MIL sounds like a saint to me, but whatever. Why not let her bestow her generosity where it pleases? You want things to be “fair” and “principled,” but what is fair? What is principled? Aren’t these just subjective ideologies, really? Morals aren’t meant to be defined so stringently. Gaw!

This is my advice to you. Call the old hag up and apologize. Tell her you appreciate how she’s singled out your kid for the Hunger Games, I mean gifts, that you’re ever so grateful she’s volunteered your kid as tribute, and let your little Katniss compete for the heart of the sponsor. Have her thank President Snow profusely for her generosity. Don’t argue. Don’t present fact. Don’t offer rational thought. This is forbidden!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how important it is that your husband not say anything to check his mother. Men should have no responsibility when it comes to their children or their parents, so he absolutely should not show his mother how ludicrous you/he “thinks” she’s acting or how her unfair treatment of her grandchildren will give them all complexes. It’s also extremely important for you to give every gift your child receives to said child. It would be crazy to stem it all from even becoming an issue by keeping the gifts from them. I mean, it’s not like your husband would be able to explain to his mother why you’re both uncomfortable alienating the rest of your children, right? Right.

So, to recap, send your MIL a pound of Nightlock berries as a thank you, you ungrateful cur.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
Miss Meddlesome

Dear Miss Meddlesome,

I filed for divorce in January. Since, I’ve basically become my husband’s girlfriend. It’s mostly a secret. My reasons for filing are super legit and important (alcoholism/scaring the kids/not holding a steady job), but I love him. His family thinks I’m playing him and should let him move back in, so they’re causing drama on Facebook and won’t let him stay there. And now he’s practically homeless. I can’t cave because all he’s fixed is the drinking, though I have trust issues regarding that now. So.. what should I do?

Dear After College Rory Gilmore,

I don’t understand what the problem is. Listen, he sounds like a winner to me, okay? His family is absolutely right here. You need to put aside all your needless fretting and invite the poor bloke back home. If he gets into a drunken rage after buying alcohol from the money he stole from your purse and starts to scare your children, just lock them in a back room with the television on full blast until he sobers up. It’s better to have this gem at home than to give your kids a stable life.

You say you love him and I can totally understand this. What’s not to love? It should be easy to look past someone with substance abuse issues. I mean, it’s not as if he’s scaring the kids when he’s sober, right? Take a chill pill, baby!

There is one thing I am a little confused about, though. Why won’t his incredibly kind, perfect family let him stay at their homes? I mean, he’s obviously such a great guy and you are truly playing him. It makes perfect sense that they tout his saintliness all over Facebook, probably alluding to the fact that you are the devil himself, but aren’t allowing him to stay at their houses, I guess. I mean, the only explanation is that they’re trying to teach you a lesson, which I can totally see. There’s no way they’re pushing him your way and vilifying you online to keep him away from themselves and their homes. They’d probably be more than happy to let him live there for free, you know, not paying rent, not contributing at all. They probably wouldn’t have a problem with this at all. It’s really about getting you to come to your senses. You’re the one who needs to change.

He’s not taking advantage of the fact that you love him or anything, either. These past six months he may or may not have quit drinking, so there’s that. In five years he might have a job! In ten, when the kids are gone, he can’t scare them anymore. See? It’s fine!

Let’s face it, you’re not going to get any better than a jobless guy who drinks to excess then scares your children, okay? His family is not bullying you at all. They’re just trying to do what’s best for themselves- I mean, him- I mean, you and your kids.

Self-worth is for suckas,
Miss Meddlesome

Have a personal problem you really need help with? Miss Meddlesome will try her hardest to ruin your life with spectacularly bad advice. Submit here! It’s 100% anonymous! 

Disclaimer: Under no circumstances should you actually follow this crap advice. If you do, you’re an idiot.

When Miss Meddlesome isn’t meddling, she’s writing as Fisher Amelie…

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